Loving Wide Open at The End of an Era

Her Days Are Numbered. That's Why We Make Them COUNT.
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Day 77

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The best thing about Holiday shopping? Izzy is welcome in Hobby Lobby!

Wheeeeee!

She has exquisite taste in bones, pillows and Daddies.

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Day 76

 

Good morning Mocha Peppermint Latte!

Now, you gonna share that coffee cake or what?

 

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Day 75

At last! AT LAST! It’s only taken us 16 years to get a proper bedroom set with…dare I say it…drawers!!! Headboard! Footboard! Nightstand! We don’t know what to do with ourselves, it’s all so exciting after living out of boxes and shelves and cubes. Izzy is only too eager to help us celebrate its arrival. Nap time, anyone?

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Day 74

Up the Mountain, Down the Mountain

It happens in Taos. A moody sky. The storm gods mixin’ it up in the heavens, and you just know: anything could happen. But whatever it is, it’s gonna be pretty. In winter, that could mean a hail storm. Rainbows. Giant marshmallow clouds traipsing across the mountain tops. A shroud of fog.

On days like this I like to grab Izzy, my camera, and head out just to see what there is to see.

Those days have been few, sitting with Izzy as I do day after day on the couch, keeping her company and giving her comfort.

But today? She’s having a good day and the brooding sky is just too compelling. Deb volunteers to drive us up the mountain for a little Bavarian treat. Silas rides shotgun and Izzy and I take in the view from the back. I’ve got my cell phone for photography. Not ideal, but enough to capture this moment. And we’re off!

The view in the back seat:

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Approaching Taos Mountain:

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And now up up UP!

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Skiers!

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The Bavarian! The best thing about this authentic Bavarian lodge brought over piece by piece from Germany? Not the authentic 64oz. beers. Not the goulash soup. But the fact that they let Izzy inside to sit on the wool-pelt covered warm seats!

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First class treatment from Laini! She’s mashing up sausage for Izzy straight from the kitchen!

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And now down, down, down we go! So far it still looks like the same day. But in just a few minutes…

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The sun begins to peek out and light-play with the trees!

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We have to get out of the car and play in the light!

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Once off the mountain, we stopped the car and took pictures facing the way we’d just come. Whoa.

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What a ride.

Day 73

This is how I feel every morning when I wake up and Izzy is still breathing…

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..her heart beats a rhythm of togetherness that squeezes my soul alive and crowds my heart with glee.

To this I say YES.
To this I say THANK YOU.
To this I say MORE.

Day 72

Snowfall!

Izzy’s favorite season.

Today as we play in the park, I hear angels singing. A prayer answered. A wish granted. I asked for her to be able to play in the snow before she departs for The Next Place. After all, she grew such a pretty winter coat this fall. Probably the thickest, curliest, most lovely frock she’s ever flourished. And today, we got to flaunt it through the snow.

Thank you. Whoever’s listening.

Thank you. Whoever’s granting.

Thank you for both wings and paws that guide us through this winter wonderland dream come true.

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Day 71

Snow, like a promise.We leave footprints
like a calling card
a love letter for Winter.

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Day 67

Becoming the Water

It was an old and beautiful library that smelled faintly of cedar and Charles Dickens. Books on the walls, deep, velvet cushioned chairs and couches, the whole place softly lit with deep thoughts. It was the final day of autobiography class with a dynamic and highly sought-after professor. Each of us had ten minutes to read from our final essay paper. An hour into it, a woman in her late 20’s with a soft smile and 80’s hangover perm began reading about ducks on a pond. She must have been good, because I could see the dust motes swirling in the early morning air, five ducks gliding across water still drenched with the pre-dawn silver of the sky. And into this library-lake scene, the jaws of a crocodile snap soundly and suddenly in the air. And then there were four, and a rush of ripples moving hurriedly toward shore.

As she continued to  read, the woman crafted an analogy between the unsuspecting duck on peaceful waters, and her decision to have children. She’s a carrier for a chemical deficiency that creates emphysema. She watched her cousin struggle for each of his breaths and die at the age of nineteen because of the disease. She, herself, never developed the disease, but knowing she could pass it to her children made a jaw-snapping reality for her.

It’s been almost twenty years and I still remember this woman and her dilemma. I also remember at the time thinking so what? Have kids. Don’t have kids. What’s the big deal?

Only two decades later do I realize the big deal is not the children, but the decision. What seemed an insignificant choice to me was a huge choice for her. Little goldfish nipping at duck feet, or huge crocodile jaws gobbling up life force, it all depends on the perspective from your place on the pond.

When I tell people through swollen eyelids and salty cheeks about my decision to live uncompanioned by animal friends as Silas and I roam the world pursuing a gypsy lifestyle, I am often met by the gaze of my 20 year old self, the gaze that says So What? Have pets. Don’t have pets. What’s the big deal? Yet from my side of the pond, it’s a very teary, very sobbing big deal. Ive been companioned by animals for so long, and so deeply, that I don’t know what it’s like to make my way through the world without them by my side. Their presence is an appendage, a foundation, like legs, or feet. How do you say goodbye to your feet? How do you say to your right foot, “Helllooooo down there. Hey you! Yeah, foot. I gotta let you go now. I’m going to sacrifice you so that I can live this dream, heed this calling…”

Preposterous, I know. Yet for someone like me whose animal companions have shaped her spiritual footing, it’s an apt analogy.

Today I gaze across the pond of my life and I watch the ducks glide in the early morning air, dust motes swirling golden like little planets with orbiting suns. There’s no crocodile in the water today, but his tears roll down my cheeks. And I marvel that some decisions are smooth as glass, and glide through our life, afloat. Other decisions have teeth, jagged and piercing, drawing blood. Then there is the water that contains it all, predator and prey, gentle and harsh. The water never says to any of its inhabitants “You’re not welcome here.” Nor does it say “You owe me.” It accepts all, nurtures all. And I wonder if I, too, can be the water. If I can swirl and eddy and flow, allowing all, including all, nurturing all. My heart pinches and expands. I fear. I hope. I accept. I resist. I open. I crumble. I love, drowning and floating by turn.

I see her still, the woman in the library, reading her grief through an essay of tears. And I say a prayer for her, wherever she is, childless. And I say a prayer of forgiveness upon the head of my of my own twenty-year-old, uncomprehending self. And a third prayer for all of us standing at the edge of the pond, considering our fate through smiles and tears, daring to let go, to become the surrender and the generosity of the water.

Day 65

 

 

 

Some moments are timeless.


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